My Top 10 Metal & Punk Nonsense of 2023

 

G'day cunts! Another year, another pile of discombobulated and mentally suspect noise that wormed its way into my brain and set up a hobo camp there! Meet the inhabitants...

1. Wastelander - Endless Survival

The nostalgia on this album hit me like a ton of bricks! For example the song "Nekrodome" was uploaded to Youtube in demo form for years and years after the band had split up in 2010, and I listened to that track A LOT. Imagine my glee when over a decade later they finally re-recorded it for their sophomore album! Thrashin' post-apocalyptic metalpunk!

2. Pussies - Pussies

Noisy & nihilistic, HEAVY AS FUCK rock 'n' roll that sounds like anything from Melvins to The Stooges to Brainbombs and a billion other things, played by Sami of Opium Warlords & Reverend Bizarre and Harri of Ride For Revenge & Hail Conjurer! This is sloppy, tinnitus-inducing noise punk chaos. 

3. Autopsy - Ashes, Organs, Blood and Crypts

Bit different from the last album. Little creepy bass parts, slow interludes that aren't just set ups for faster parts. They even threw in a killer Abscess-style jam called "Toxic Death Fuk" which was unexpected. Really like the production here too, especially for the audible as fuck bass sound. Reifert still sounds like a beast.

4. Negative Reaction - Zero Minus Infinity

They kinda fit into that whole acid freak side of sludge that isn't afraid to tangle with stoner/psychedelic/jam elements, a bit like Nightstick. One of my favourite sludge bands for a long time now (Endofyorerror is a cult classic!) and they're still as fuckin' HEAVY as ever.

5. Bretwaldas of Heathen Doom - Summoning the Gatekeepers

Crusty doomy black 'eavy metal for working class curmudgeons. "Seething Cauldron" is one of my favourite songs of the year overall! I've found as I get older, I really like this specific niche style of earthy, crusty 'down the pub' black metal that is in touch with its heavy metal roots. RIFFS OR FUCK OFF.

6. Malokarpatan - Vertumnus Caesar

Might be Malokarpatan's best but I need more time. Amazing production. The drum sound especially is so crisp! This album feels a bit more heavy metal to me, and less black metal. The best song on the album is an instrumental called "Panstvo salamandrov jest v kavernách zeme" that sounds like a horror/fantasy/Goblin-esque synth prog jam, with guest appearances from Hands of Orlac members, and there's a Jethro Tull-esque flute and a closing drum solo!

7. Dipygus - Wet Market

Weirdo cryptozoological death metal slop! Apparently this material was supposed to be on different splits that fell through due to the lockdowns. Surprisingly coherent as a mini-LP. Listening to "Bug Sounds (Osedax)" out in the bush on my boombox was a trippy experience!

8. Church of Misery - Born Under a Mad Sign

I'm kinda glad they dropped the whole '1 cover song per album' thing they had going their whole career. This album is just pure top-to-bottom Church of Misery originals! Honestly I might like it more than The Second Coming at this point. That Koresh tune goes so fuckin' hard.

9. Simian Steel - Missing Fucking Link

Bahb & Corey from Fistula? Check. Steve Watson from Iron Monkey? Check. Marco from Grime on vocals? Check. They're all collaborating to make some of the nastiest sludge metal of all time? Check, motherfucker! Don't sleep on this one!!

10. Static Abyss - Aborted From Reality

A slight step down from the first album if I'm being honest but still killer doomy death metal from Reifert & Wilkinson. Has some oddness to it that I appreciate, slightly off-kilter at times, just check out one of my favourite songs by them, the incredibly creepy "Unrepentant Mutant Serpent" and you'll see what I mean.

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Cheers & beers to: Chris Reifert for giving us so much these last couple of years (please can we get more Violation Wound!?), Wagyu steaks which I finally learned how to properly cook to rare this year (I even nailed a pretty delicious blue steak once), Joachim for all the Funereality goodies and Madonna's The Immaculate Collection compilation which I had on repeat all night while making this post!

Fuck off to: my cunt neighbour who blasts techno at all hours of the day and night! Die!

~ Cistern Rumbler

My Top 10 Metal & Punk Nonsense of 2022

It's been a loooong fucking year, but a pretty sweet one for music! I think this year was the closest I've paid attention to new releases in my entire fucking life. So here you go, witness the byproduct of my mental retardation... 

1. Wadge - Grindcore Penitentiary

90's Canadian grinders infamous for their run of Hawaiian-themed surfgrind CD's (between 2005 and 2012) are this time back with a prison-themed album of ultra-heavy ultra-retarded grind. As soon as I heard the two advance tracks I knew this would be at the top of the pile. I didn't expect it to blow the new Autopsy away though! Not only is this ripping grindcore (with some cybergrind drumming that makes Mortician sound weak), it also dips into hardcore punk and noisecore areas, especially emphasized by a gigantic list of guest appearances from guys in Captain 3 Leg, Anal Cunt etc. As funny as it is heavy.

2. Autopsy - Morbidity Triumphant

With Greg Wilkinson replacing Joe Allen on bass I was slightly hesitant to hear the new Autopsy, but then Greg and Reifert dropped a Static Abyss album and crushed any doubts I had! This is fucking feral and full of riffs that sound a lot like a crossover between Severed Survival and Mental Funeral which is surprisingly refreshing after decades of bands trying to emulate that era. A visceral reminder that when it cums to doomed-out demented death metal Autopsy are still the masters. Some tracks aren't as good as others but it peaks so high that it doesn't really matter. Reifert sounds particularly unhinged.

3. 100 Story Building Drowning in Cum - Elderly Juvenile Delinquents on Parade

Basically the continuation of legendary sardonic punks Sockeye, just under a different name (there's even a reworking of "Sockeye Tour Tune" on here). I've obviously never visited Cleveland but the place seems to produce a lot of bands like this. DEVO, The Electric Eels, The Pagans, Spike in Vain / Outerwear etc. Unserious nonsensical cynical asshole music that seems to only exist to piss people off.

4. Outerwear - The Outerwear Limits

Outerwear were from Ohio; a Spike in Vain side project so if you're familiar, you know to expect some scratchy snotty noise rock/post-punk type shit. This was recorded in 1984 but I guess shelved on tape until 2022. I really love the cynical, smarmy sarcastic style, with the distorted angular riffing and fed-up vocals. Very dissonant in that great 80's way.

5. Static Abyss - Labyrinth of Veins

Might seem like overkill having this band and Autopsy back-to-back but this album was crushing my brain almost half a year straight before the new Autopsy dropped, so it earned its spot. Not to mention because it's a collaboration between Reifert and Greg Wilkinson of Brainoil, it's a lot punkier and sludgier than Morbidity Triumphant and in a lot of ways reminds me more of Tormented and Through the Cracks of Death by Abscess. Even borrows some punk energy from Violation Wound in places, and reaches into realms of black blood psychedelia with twisted doomy drugfucked breakdowns and solos! Greg is a sick fuckin' guitarist.

6. Funereality - Til Death

My good Swedish mate's passion project he's being plugging away at for almost 15 years at this point. Fond memories of getting his demo cassettes in the mail back in the day. A lot of dark psychedelia going on here with some truly tortured riffs. I've heard this album a shitload of times, from early pre-mixed demos to alternative remixes to the finalised product, so it's had a lot of time to worm its way into my brain and set up home there. Say what you want about the obvious Autopsy worship, but this motherfucker plays all the instruments himself. No programming whatsoever. Gonna be a trip to finally hold an officially released LP in my hands soon.

7. Deathhammer - Electric Warfare

For some, predictability is a bad quality but I appreciate that I can always rely on Deathhammer to smash my head into pieces whenever they drop a new record!!! Razor sharp barely held together riffage and mentally deranged vocals is the name of the game here. There are also 3 tracks over 7 minutes long which was a nice twist. Basically everything I want in speed/thrash. The album closer fucking rules so much!

8. Morbo - Possessed with Amorous Intent

Grumpy cynical old fuck music that throws a bunch of shit like grind, heavy metal, punk rock and thrash together with no real care for aesthetic or marketability. The drumming is particularly enjoyable. The song taking the piss out of Candlemass (the Messiah line!) always gives me a chuckle. "Making love in a mausoleum? Fuck, dude gimme a break. Some dumpy dude who can't really sing is probably not really closin' ass."

9. Darkthrone - Astral Fortress

Huge riffs reaching into space. Fenriz and Nocturno Culto continue their descent (ascent?) into the nursing home of underground metal. But this nursing home has illegal tape trading networks, black market sew-on patches and midnight hiking trips when the overground orderlies aren't watching. Darkthrone have completely stopped caring. In their black metal days they were edgelords, then they recreated themselves in 2006 as 'we don't give a fuck' posturers, but now like old men in their rocking chairs wearing shit sweaters & screaming at youths, they truly no longer care and that album cover is proof. Also the synths on this album RULE (and more proof that they no longer care).

10. Gronibard - Regarde les hommes sucer

Late 90's French goregrind but in sound only, because they mostly sing about very gay things. Pretty sure the album translates to "watch men suck" or something like that. Loved these guys pretty much since I first got into grind and I was pleasantly surprised when they dropped an album, and it sounds as retarded as ever! Some of the most mongoloid vocal performances to grace the 2020's. There's a track on here where the chorus is a guy shouting "FINGER IN ANUS" like a spastic. The funniest part though is if you stripped the album of the vocals it'd be a pretty dark and heavy grind album in its own right. Gotta respect that level of commitment. It's fun to sit down and translate the French lyrics.
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Thanx for (not) reading this shit! Click the links to support! Cheers to: Andy at Mortville Noise for making 2022 a great year to buy CD's, Joachim (Funereality forever) for recording some of your best musical noise yet this year, Vomit Angel for releasing the best demo of the year, and anybody who introdouched me to good music. Fuck off to: all the lame death metal released this year, and especially to the new D666 album which was a pissweak pile of unaustralian shite. 

~ Cistern Rumbler